Aug 12th, 2007
On frankness and incivility
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I cannot help but feel that for some, frankness and incivility are both one and the same. I don’t think they are quite the same. One can be civil without being frank, or one can be frank without being civil. By the same token, one can be both frank and civil at the same time.
An example might be easier to understand. Let’s imagine that you and I are at a mutual friend’s place (and the friend happens to be a cook by profession) and that friend has kindly decided to make pasta for all of us as dinner. At the dinner table, the pasta is served and you take a first bite. The first thought that comes to your mind after tasting the pasta is that the pasta simply tastes horrible.
There are several ways of telling the cook friend know that he has just made some really bad pasta. The civil yet not frank way of doing it could probably be like, “Hey, your pasta tastes not too bad.” (Avoidance of frankness in order to be civil)
The frank but uncivil way of conveying the same message could be, “Are you sure you are qualified to be a cook? How can this pasta be eaten? Go back to cooking school la.” (Gets to the point in an extremely rude manner)
The frank yet civil way of telling the friend would be along the likes of “You know, the pasta you made today is below your usual standard. Are you ok?” (Gets to the point that the pasta is bad but phrases it nicely)
There are ways to be frank and yet civil at the same time. There are people who confuse the two, thinking that by saying they are being frank, they are automatically given the license to be less than civil, or even insulting/rude. It is little things like this that start ugly quarrels and bar brawls. The world will be a much nicer place if people can learn that it is possible to be frank and civil at the same time.
But that’s just me. My opinion is definitely no representative sample of the entire population. 
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At the end of the day Aaron, its a two way street.
In the short time since starting work, I realize civility has nothing to do with expectation and everything to do with the pro-active role of cultivating and even encouraging it in others.
This is what people regularly fail to factor in when they speak about civility as if it’s a normal expectation, when of course, it isn’t i.e they fail to ask the really important question, like: what did you do to support the good will in the relationship?
Usually the answer is zero.
The sad part is when both sides no longer see the pay out in conforming to an agreed standard.
They also dont see the need to reach common group for the same reason / conformance vs deviant behavior pays out exactly the same! Neither does time heal either, infact it worsens things and eventually their respective positions hardens. The result is deep seated and chronic mistrust, where there is only one possible outcome, the survival of only one at the necessary cost of the demise of the other = the zero sum game.
Hi gundam,
Perhaps for most cases, it’s a two way street. I firmly believe that nobody deserves incivility, at least for most matters. Personally, I always operate on a motto of being civil unless I have been repeatedly subjected to incivility by the other party.
I would say that most people are generally nice and reciprocate civility with civility. Unfortunately, I’ve met people who don’t, and for such people, it seems to be part of their character.
I don’t know whether civility should be a normal expectation but I think it is nice if it is. Is it that difficult to say things nicely? I don’t think so. It might take some effort though, and some people perhaps don’t want to take that effort. Whatever the case is, I’m not too perturbed. For people who don’t understand civility, I will just ignore them. There are many other people around worth my time being nice and civil to them so there’s no need for me wasting my breath on those who obviously are incorrigible.
That is what I have been trying to tell you all along, it’s ultimately a two way street as you, yourself put it so nicely.
“There are many other people around worth my time being nice anc civil to them so there’s no need for me wasting my breath on those who obviously are incorrigible.”
Its a two way street.
Depends as well, on your intention.
‘Why would you want to ever disappoint?!’
‘Ah, my dear, that really depends…’
My wife are completely different i this respect, I would spit out the food and take a large mouthful of water, whereas my wife would smile all the way through th meal and compliment the chef regardless of how it tastes.