On Masculism

I do agree that the issue of maintenance in the Woman’s Charter that needs to be addresed and revised, especially in view of the changing society.

Nevertheless, practically speaking, there are many many women who lag behind their better-educated counterparts, and because of certain reasons such as low education and lack of work experience (due to early marriage or other reasons), do require assistance to look after themselves and maybe the children if the wife is granted care and control after the dissolution of their marriage. Due to societal pressures, I suspect that you will find far less men in the aforesaid situation than women. I believe that unless they are willing to upgrade themselves (again the question to ask is whether they have the resources to), the kind of jobs, which will not pay well, they will be eligible for are not many.

I can’t back this up but it is also my belief that if you look at the Singapore population as a whole (not just any segment of the population), Singapore men prove to be better educated and have wider and more job experience than women. Please do correct me if I am wrong.

I am not saying that this is an adequate justification for the continued inexplicable absence of a provision for maintanance for husbands. While ‘it’s not unreasonable in today’s context to have women who are out bringing in the bread for the family while the man becomes the homemaker’, I just think that these cases are really the minority and practically speaking, it has yet to make a deep impact in society.

I think that your claim that the Women’s Charter is biased towards women (note that I am not talking about the maintenance provision for women) and against men is rooted on a lack of understanding of family law in Singapore. In my opinion, I don’t think it is biased towards women. It might have been in the past, but the Court is always moving towards a position that is inclined towards women to one that is a fairer and better understanding and application of the law. I think the effects can be seen in the many changes in case law and decisions of the court over the years.

For example, in the past, the Court has always been known to give custody of the children to the mother. Currently, the law in Singapore has evolved to the point whereby the Court understands that the welfare of the children should be paramount in the grant of care and control of the children. The Court has also shied away from giving sole custody and control as it is now of the opinion that the responsibility for the care and control of the children should be the responsibility of both the father and the mother.

In the grant of maintenance for the wife, the Court will always consider all relevant factors, such as the earning capacity of both parties, the previous standard of living the wife enjoyed, the financial burdens, etc etc. I am a practising lawyer and I have had clients (who were the wives) who are working professionals and had been granted only $1.00 maintenance for themselves.

In truth, I don’t think that Singaporean men have it worse than the women. I do agree that NS is very unfortunate, especially in view of the exponential increase in foreign ‘talent’, but we all have our own crosses to bear. While men groan about being less employable than foreign ‘talent’, because of NS and reservist, married women with kids are viewed as inherently less employable and less capable than everyone else. Please note that while reservist duty may occur as regularly as once a year, a mother is a mother for 365 days a year.

What is a fact is that despite the many complaints of Singaporean men lagging behind their Singapore female counterparts for the 2 years they have to complete NS, the salaries for women still lag behind men.

So men have to do NS. I am not saying that the men are whiners and that they should just grin and bear it. I do think it’s unfair that Singapore citizens have to do it and the PRs and the other foreigners don’t. But then again, we all have our own crosses to bear. Women have periods and are pregnant and have children; those women who choose not to suffer from stigma of perceptions that they are selfish or that they are not real women or that they have not performed their duties as a wife or daughter-in-law.

True, NS and pregnancy are 2 very very different things. But who is to say that just because 2 experiences are 2 very different experiences: for example, someone’s mother passed away when that someone was at a very young age versus someone’s husband cheated on her, contracted an STD and passed it on to her, one experience should be far more validating, life-changing, vital and even painful than the other? Why should one experience be held above the other just because far more attention is brought to the issue of NS and women have no right to even bring this up as an example of a woman’s cross to bear versus the man’s cross to bear which is NS in a discussion about equality with men (because men do NS!) and women just have to sigh and grin and bear it because it’s part of nature and nobody cares anyway because this is what women have been doing millenia after millenia.

Besides being blamed for the low birth rates and rising divorce rates, women have also recently been targetted during the government’s address on Labour Day. It was said that women should not expect to be given the same remuneration and benefits after childbirth because women will not be able to devote as much time to work? Is this not a manifestation of the true workings of the Singapore Society that it still holds deeply entrenched gender bias – such as the woman’s role in looking after the child and the husband’s strangely absent role. IN SPITE OF the evolution of gender roles, IN SPITE of the general claims of equality?

While Singapore and Singaporeans hold themselves out to be a modern society, it is undeniable that the ramifications of being a bad wife/mother who does not do the housework, comes home late all the time due to work are felt more deeply than the ramifications of being a bad husband/father who does not the the housework and comes home late all the time due to work.

While there are many men who do help out with the housework, they are sadly, a very very diminutive minority.

When my mother and father were working, my mother often got chastised by my grandmother for not doing the housework or any cooking. Today, when my grandmother has passed away, she is chastised by the neighbour for not doing any housework. When my fiance’s parents left for a holiday, they instructed that his sister was his clothes for him, even though his sister was working like my fiance.

In my opinion, we are only equal in words and statements to the press (local or foreign), the truth is another thing altogether.

You may wish to note that while the rights of all races and religions are enshrined in the Constitution of Singapore, there is no express provision protecting women’s rights as equals to men, are strangely missing in the Constitution.

I feel that in stating your position that women are better off than men in Singapore, you did not even address the issue that a woman can be raped by her husband. To simply deny a wife’s rights over her body (in that a husband can rape her) is a fundamental right that should not ever be crossed.

One very very sobering and revealing reminder of this facade of equality between men and women is how MM Lee proclaimed his regret in the enacting of the Women’s Charter. He might as well have named the Singaporean women to be the main culprits of the rising divorce rates, decreasing birth rates and the importing of foreign talent.

In my opinion, there are many in Singapore who share that opinion. A fortune teller whom my fiance’s mother paid to calculate an auspicious date for our wedding had said that there is a slight possibility of a second woman in my fiance’s life. He then went on to opine that if it happened it will be my fault because Singaporean women are too opinionated and headstrong and this drives the men away from the marriage. I seem to recall many letters to the Straits Times Forum of that ilk, one even suggesting that we import foreign brides from China since Singaporean women are not breeding!

In my opinion, while there is AWARE and the Women’s Charter, not enough is being done to alert the public about the inequities that are committed against women. I am sure people know about it, but I am not too sure people understand it, believe in it or even support it. Take for example the recent post Mr Wang posted with respect to a query from a prospective mother’s worry about re-entry into the workforce. I felt that the query was valid, but it was such an anti-climax considering the fact that any post on NS or reservist duty would have elicited at least 30 replies (mostly complaints about NS) in 2 days while that particular post attracted only 9 entries after 2 or 3 weeks. In fact, when I read political blogs, I often read responses to posts which complain about NS and/or reservist duty even if the topic of the post had been something else altogether, such as CPF savings or buying a property, etc etc.

But most men don’t care. The general opinion I gleaned from the posts is that this is something normal and they didn’t understand why the prospective mother would be worried about something so banal and that every woman would go through.

The thing is, such everyday bias against women are so deeply-ingrained in society that everyone sees it as something which is normal and nothing to balk at. The saddest thing is that women are the among those who perpetuate such sterotypes and bias against themselves and its become so entrenched that anyone who fights against it is someone who is making a molehill out of nothing.

But it’s funny how almost every male I know thinks along the same lines as you. Because I don’t think it’s true that women have it better than men in Singapore. At least, it’s not true for a woman like me who wants to be valued for my own capabilities and merits and who values independence gained through work. I understand that independence lets me have freedom and I won’t be left destitute like the women of yester-year if their men abandon them.

To add on to my previous comment, the following are some inequities and stereotypes that women are subject to:

1. Female bosses are a bitch to work for.
2. Aggressive women are viewed as bitchy, whereas aggressive men are aggressive and powerful.
3. Women are emotional and weak and hence irrational, and thus, very difficult to work with.
4. Women who sleep around are sluts, men who sleep around have to satisfy their needs because their partners/girlfriends/wives cannot satisfy them.
5. Women who take care of their appearances are vain, and on that note, must be bimbos.
6. Women like to gossip and bitch while men like to talk about important things.
7. Most backstabbers are women, while men are more honest and upfront.
8. Women only care about shopping and korean drama serials and could not care less about serious issues.
9. Women will not be able to devote all their attention to work because they get easily distracted by relationship woes, other problems, their children, etc etc.
10. Women age faster than men.
11. A woman’s life (figuratively speaking) is over by 40, while a man’s starts at 40.
12. Men are fairer, more judicious, reasonable and rational.
13. If you have a female boss who is young and attractive, she must be having sex with the big boss.

Are men,as a species, subject to such stereotypes and/or inequities?