As I am writing this, I am listening to Robbie William’s song, “She’s the one”.

This post is inspired by one post on a blog I read on a regular basis. Kitana wrote a treatise (ok, that was exaggerating) on the concept of “The One”. I have been asked about this issue countless times because people never fail to look amazed when I tell them that I’ve been attached for five, six, and now my seventh year. The look of amazement grows into disbelief upon further probing and I reveal that she’s my first girlfriend, and I’m her first boyfriend, and we’re engaged. It might probably qualify as a modern day fairtytale, at least from their outside perspective.

What people don’t see is the amount of work that the both of us has put in to keep the relationship alive. Throw the notion that all it takes is love to sustain a relationship out of the window right now. That is bullshit. Sure, you need love and romance to spice up a relationship, but what really keeps the flame going is much more than love. I can offer five buzzwords to keep a relationship alive: commitment, responsibility, compromise, understanding and perserverance.

I have lost count of all the fights, spats and unhappiness throughout our seven years together. I too have lost count of the sweet and up-on-cloud-nine times. It was easy during the happy times, but it was tough as hell during some of the darker times. There were times when I felt like giving up. It would have been so easy to. However, I didn’t, because of a promise. A promise that we’ll never break up, no matter what.

Some of you must be thinking, “Is this guy nuts?” I don’t blame you. This is not a promise that is easily made, and it’s even harder to hold on to. We made this promise when we got together, and this promise embodies the five buzzwords I mentioned earlier: commitment, responsibility, compromise, understanding and peserverance. Without these five words, it’s going to be hard to keep the promise.

By now, it should be rather clear that I do not believe in fate. I don’t believe that there is a predestined “The One” out there. What makes a person “The One” is a function of how much effort the partner puts into the relationship. Even if you manage to find a person who seems to complement you perfectly, do you honestly think that from that point on, there’s no need to work for the relationship anymore? A relationship is analogous to a job: you can have the perfect job that matches your interest, professional training, remuneration and working environment but, if you don’t put in enough effort into your job, it’s only a matter of time before you lose it.

Therefore, my advice is quite simply, take the effort to make it work. Breaking up in my opinion is the most cowardly way out of a relationship (unless it’s due to serious matters, such as spousal abuse, infidelity etc) because it’s just so convenient to put the blame on something or someone else and then walk away. The poverb goes that a rolling stone gathers no moss. If you want to achieve something, you need to stay put and try your best to see it through. My experience is that there is always an alternative solution to a breakup, but unfortunately, it’s not as easy to execute compared to parting ways.

It is a cliché that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but the underlying assumption is not wrong. Men and women are so different in traits that they both might well deserve to be classified as two different species altogether. That however doesn’t mean that both cannot be in a fulfilling relationship together. Precisely because both are so different that one’s strength is usually the other’s weakness. I’m usually bad at taking care of myself (I think I’m not so bad compared to other guys, but I can’t beat my fianceé) and I have tons of bad habits that look very unglamorous. She is always fussing around these issues and I appreciate it. On the other hand, I’m very forward looking and like to plan for the future, such as when to get married, when to hold the wedding dinner, when to buy a house, when to have kids, and of course, how to fund all these things. We do talk things over together, but I take the lead in such matters.

I think that Singaporeans, especially young Singaporeans, need to recognise that a relationship is not about you or about your partner. The correct answer is both. No matter how different two people are in terms of traits, if you want to make it work, it’ll work. Back in the old days when marriages were still arranged, why is it that people can stay together although they never had the opportunity to know each other well enough before marrying? The answer is quite simply because they didn’t have a choice. There is no way in hell to get a divorce because the social pressure on a divorcee is almost unbearable.

Unfortunately in the current day and age, breaking up has become a normal part of life, rather than an anomaly. If two people truly desire to have a lasting relationship, better do it like how they did it a hundred years ago: make the choice of breaking up not a choice at all. Of course, skeptics are probably going to question me at this point about how fair it is to the two people; it might not be the most suited partnership. What if someone better comes along? Wouldn’t it be a loss of opportunity for something better?

To that, my only response is simply, “How do you know if the next person that comes along is indeed better?” There is an inherent assumption that there will be someone better. What if the next person is worse than what you have now? I bet you will kick yourself silly to realise that you have actually given up something better. To me, I think it is more productive to focus my energies only making the person I have now the best I ever had. There must be something that I initially saw in her to make me want to love her and devote myself to her and therefore, shouldn’t I concentrate on doing that, instead of constantly wondering what better option might appear?

It’s all a matter of what you want in life. If you are in a relationship now, whether you are facing problems or not, take the time to sit down and think what is it that you want in life. What is it that you want people to remember you for? What do you want the speech at your funeral about your life to sound like? For me, the choice has been made 7 years ago. Above all, I want to be remembered as a man to devoted himself to only one woman in this only life of his.

P.S. How’s your stomach, hunny? I hope that it’s gotten better.